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biff: the blog

July 28, 2011

Biff%20the%20blog.jpgWOOF! Hello everyone. My name is Biff Wheeler (pronounced Wheel-AIR or sometimes Willer.) I’m French, bilingual and I live in the Poitou with my two-legged friend - or My Crazy Pet as I prefer to call her.

Sometimes My Crazy Pet can be a bit of a handful and it’s a real struggle to let her know who's in charge.

She can also be quite devious. Only today she tried to slip out of the house unnoticed - saying something about it being too hot for dogs - and I had to do some fast footwork to make sure she didn’t take off without me.

Sometimes she disappears for days. I’ve heard her telling friends that she's going to London for ‘work meetings’ but really she’s sneaking off to see a man called John Frieda. When she comes back, her coat always looks very shiny and groomed. I’m not sure what grooming parlour she visits but I wouldn't mind giving it a go myself.

The last time I went to get my hair cut, the coiffeuse cut off my eyebrows by mistake. I was philosophical about it. After all, everyone makes mistakes and she did apologise very nicely.

But now that I’m a little bit famous I have to be careful about how I look. People recognise me quite often on my travels around the Poitou.

Only last week, we were waiting at Poitiers airport to pick up a friend and a man patted me on the head and said ‘Bonjour Biff’. The crazy pet was very surprised. But I can’t help it if fans come up to me for a chat or to tell me how handsome I am.

You have to be vigilant at all times with your two-legged friend. Mine is often wandering off alone down country tracks. Sometimes she flings herself in front of a tractor or a car shouting ‘BIFF! GET OUT THE WAY!’

She’s got no road sense at all. Everyone knows that tractors and cars stop for little dogs. Especially famous ones.

Anyway, right now My Crazy Pet is downstairs looking at a road map. This normally means we are going on a road trip.

Last year we went to visit friends at their villa in Provence. It took two days, mainly because The Crazy Pet set off in the wrong direction. She also spent several hours barking at the Hertz car rental people in Limoges (we'd booked a rental car as our car has no air conditioning and I didn't want her to overheat).

They didn’t have the car she had booked and tried to give us a very big car, which for some reason the pet didn't want. We eventually drove away in a hire car that hadn't been cleaned. It was full of beer cans and old burger wrappings (an unexpected bonus for me!)

My pet was very stressed and had to lie down in a dark motel room for a day near Clermont-Ferrand. I did try to tell her that any company affiliated with Ryanair has got to be bad news but she wouldn't listen.

DSC00547.jpgThe year before that we went on a road trip down south to Collieure (that's us in the picture left). My pet and her equally crazy friend yapped and barked all the way while I sat quietly in the back of the car listening to them. I didn't mind the noise as they looked like they were enjoying themselves and it's important to keep your pet happy.

I’m not sure what she's planning this time but I’ll keep you posted.

comments (9)

1. Posted by markyj on July 28, 2011 11:10 PM

Hi Biff, how nice to hear from you at last. All I can say is that your 'pet' sounds a little high maintenance, but don't worry, a little training from the human whisperer should put it all right.

I hear your pet's quite accomplished, lucky you, she can write about esoteric things like fashion and even has some novels to her name, so she may even be as famous as you one day.

Woof, woof to you.

PS Has she been lying by your feet while you were writing?


2. Posted by Eric on July 29, 2011 7:35 AM

Classy piece..........Anyone who can have a subtle go at themselves has a endearingadmirable quality

3. Posted by Laurel on July 29, 2011 8:53 AM

Coucou Beef!
I kept my eye out for you when I was in Poitiers and even tried to make my way to La Grande Galerie and The Mad Hatter's hoping to say hi to you but no luck this time around. Maybe next year then.

As for glossy coats, just between you and I, munching on raw meaty bones gives the same effect as seeing that man John Frieda.

4. Posted by tricia on July 30, 2011 7:43 PM

Ahaa, at last we hear from the power beneath the throne!

5. Posted by Val on July 30, 2011 9:11 PM

Lovely to see you Biff and to read your blog - hope your pet has something lovely planned for you x

6. Posted by pierre l on August 1, 2011 9:41 PM

Sorry for the delay in commenting, Biff. This is a great blog post and I look forward to more writing from you. I hope your leg injury is healed.

I shall be glad to read your book. I love books and blog posts written from the point of view of a pet.

7. Posted by Jazz and Khan on August 3, 2011 9:08 PM

Hi Biff - we know exactly what you mean about crazy pets - we have to keep ours under a tight rein - if we're not careful she does really stupid things like breaking her leg - what is she like eh? Khan and I were just saying the other day that we need to make sure she stays out of the sun and that she drinks plenty of water after we've taken her for a walk. I don't suppose you could send Khan and I an autographed pawprint could you the other guys in our neighbourhood would be sooooo jealous? Jazz and Khan Ashcroft - (PS I've had to write this for Khan as he's only 18 months old and can't quite get his paws lined up with the keys)x

8. Posted by Amanda on August 4, 2011 10:30 AM

Dear Biff - lovely to hear from you and see a picture of you - paws on the keyboard - hard at work on Tout 3! Looking forward to reading about your recent adventures!! A x

9. Posted by Liz Bryant on August 5, 2011 1:52 PM

Such talent, Biff! See, we always knew who the true writer was in the household and now you've shown yourself to us! ;-)

looking forward to more soon....

Liz x

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